Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*
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i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”
I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000. “
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
Nice try, NASA
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.
I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy
I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
I dread doing laundry as if I didn’t have a machine that washes the clothes for me and another that dries them for me, as I do nothing
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
[dinner negotiations]
Wife: where do you want to go to eat?
Me: ugh
Wife:
Me: you pick
Wife: I’m craving kale
Me: I’ll pick
“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.
If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.