GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome
GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken
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She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
[at Taco Bell]
Me: TWO SOFT TACOS AND A BEAN BURRITO BOYEEEEEE
Speaker: ˢᴵᴿ˒ ᴾᴸᴱᴬˢᴱ ᴾᵁᴸᴸ ᵁᴾ ᵞᴼᵁ’ᴿᴱ ᵀᴬᴸᴷᴵᴺᴳ ᵀᴼ ᴬ ᴸᴵᴳᴴᵀ ᴾᴼᴸᴱ
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-
Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
Wife: Let’s watch Netflix.
Me: Ok. [starts movie]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me [pausing]: OMG we are two seconds into it.
Wife: What?
Me: You’re sleeping.
Wife: I’m not sleeping. Press Play.
Me: [presses Play]
Wife: [sleeping]
I finally found a reason to live again.
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.
So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.
Tik Tok.
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
The Book. The Movie.
Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.
Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs