Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
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guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
The 50k lady’s grandfather left her money that he could’ve spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper
ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down
THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap
I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
Me: *researching sore foot*
WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?
I’m such a sucker for floral print tops and dresses. Am I a middle-aged woman or a tea cup? No one knows.
Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people
[ opening mail ]
Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.
Me: What?!
Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.
Me:
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*
My debit card number got stolen and someone used it to buy $362 of liquor, which got approved, but the purchase they tried to make for designer clothes was denied and I’m offended. Sure I buy my clothes at Costco but that doesn’t mean I never will buy designer clothes!
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.
Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.