god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
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If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”
I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up
Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next
peasant 1: okay. So. tithes. blighted or knighted bro?
peasant 2: blighted bro be fr.
peasant 1: right right. next one. Fair maidens?
peasant 2: kniiiiiighted bro hahahaha
peasant 1: yesss bro hahaha
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.
FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.
Hi I’m the protagonist of a YA horror story. My name is something VERY SYMBOLIC like Persephone Underworld or Circe Evil-Lineage. Tho it seems vague, if you’re good at doing an allegory you’ll understand it’s a hint that my family has an evil, death-related history. Spoiler alert
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.
I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
[Dinner at Arby’s]
Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday
Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home
Me: Ahh memories
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm
me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
Let me get this straight: Rumpelstiltskin gives you a ton of gold, saves your life, AND takes your first born off your hands and he’s a bad guy?
They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.
My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake
ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla
[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]