The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
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I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”
Brain: Magical!
Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*
My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.
Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.
“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
Blew my mind.
She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”
My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough
[at divorce lawyer]
bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen
“he didn’t”
he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX
Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
I got sunburned at the beach and now my husband won’t listen to anything I say because he doesn’t “take advice from tomatoes.”
“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty