God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*
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Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées
The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac
Become a minion. Get that bread.
So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord
Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.
[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.
Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.
Son: What is wrong with those people?
Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
me on ellen
ellen: so i heard you love the ocean
me: ya
(the studio starts flooding)
me: omg ellen you didn’t
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”
I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey
Told my husband that I was the prettiest girl in Walmart today and he replied “No offense sweetie, but I’ve been the prettiest girl at Walmart”
if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration