GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!
WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates
GOD: um ok
*dinos die, man appears*
GOD: wtf
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They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.
My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?
I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love
911: Did you ring yesterday?
Boy: No
911: Day before?
Boy: Definitely not
911: Your voice is familiar
Boy: Please just help
911: Ok can you describe your attacker?
Boy: It’s a wolf
911: Oh for fu
I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.
Beware of the dog..
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.
My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.
Expect the unexporcupine.
WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS
Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.
People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.