God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
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Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?
“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.
Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam
After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?
*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.
My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.
Nobody:
Kindergartener learning consonant sounds: F-f-fish starts with F and f-f-frog starts with F too, and my mom says a word that starts with F but it sounds kind of like duck. *pause* I don’t know if I’m supposed to say THAT here.
I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*
Social media for large reptiles: Instagator
Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?
Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
Passwords are more important than ever.
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
12653.
[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO