[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me
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What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes
date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.
‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*
I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…
regrets?
[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]
yeah i’ve got regrets
If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
Me: Opens trash bag to begin cleaning playroom…..
Kids: (from a mile down the street) “Wait! I’ve been looking for that.”
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art
Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
What do we want?
FLEXIBLE WORK SCHEDULES THAT ACCOMMODATE FAMILY LIFE!
When do we want it?
[Unintelligible yelling of different dates]
Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time
i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either
Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜