[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
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Hey, let’s eat outside tonight so the flies can eat our food while the mosquitos eat us, & the kids eat nothing because they hate burgers today.
Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here
Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .
Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”
That’s not in the rules!
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.
*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?
NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-
INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
[stewardess]
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”
Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.
Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?
Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.
Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor
I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’
yeah 😭
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”
“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America