[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
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[French restaurant]
DANIEL: Promise me, not again
MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?
[waiter comes]
D: Don-
M: [waves hand] Garcoff
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.
Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.
Is it because I’m brown??
Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.
Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
🦝🔥🦝🔥
Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”
One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
The pinnacle of parenthood is when you switch to Chuao Chocolatier Spicy Maya Dark Chocolate Bars, because you know the kids won’t touch them.
[First day as an exterminator]
Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.
Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
Well, this explains it:
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”
Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*
If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.
Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.
🤣✨#caturday
Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”
If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.