[God creating bees]
GOD: make some of them fuzzy
ANGEL: thats good
G: make them sting
A: okay
G: and let’s give them teeth!
A: too far
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What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]
scooby: RIVORCE???
Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.
First date:
*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*
Her: So, what do you do for a liv-
*bites her in half*
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
[therapy]
ME: *in tears* So anyway, that’s why I think she left me
PERSON ON ELEVATOR: Please, I have a family
I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.
“Can you explain this gap in your resume?”
Me: [sitting on a toadstool, blowing smoke rings] whooooo areeeee youuuuuu
titanic
I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.
When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul
my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated
me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
HR: Well?
Me: it was a surprisingly good slingshot
HR:
Me: I didn’t know the eraser would hit him in the eye
HR:
Me: can I have my bra back?
Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit