[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
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[walking on beach]
[find bottle with message in it]
Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?
[another bottle with message washes against my feet]
i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy
I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.
I’ll see myself out.
Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it
Me: I’m not surprised
Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories
Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people
*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU
I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”
A Parenting Mad Lib:
Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!
me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.
hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this
me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that
*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer
Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog
Him: the what?
Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???