[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
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My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face
Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.
[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?
9: if a cigar is just made from a plant then why can’t kids have them?
me: I’m just trying to drink my morning coffee man.
8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment
Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.
I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool
“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
Marriage vows are all about “In sickness and in health” but I didn’t know it was ok for my wife to out-jog me by 2 city blocks on our run while she left me behind to catch my breath and eat ice cream alone.
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.
Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”
So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.
I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.
me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there