[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
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Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?
Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us
thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
Auto correct is my worst enema.
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.
I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.
I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.
And my shoes got wet.
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.
If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
Do you know how fast you were going sir?
“15,000mph?”
Wha? No,like 65?
“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”
I guess so.
“Ok bye”
bye?
To be honest, the only reason I’m interested in space is to experience the sublime satisfaction of throwing an enemy out of an airlock.
Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this
Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn’t spill a drop.
Him: Well, how’d you do that?
Me: I kept my mouth shut..
Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.
ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share
this FaceApp is creepy af
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store