[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine
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Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.
*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S
i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank
Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor
just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.