[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine
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Me: Don’t you get sick of playing the same video game for hours on end?
Son: No.
Me: *hasn’t looked up from Twitter feed in 12 years* that’s so weird.
disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project
boss: what about blood
disguised vampire: huh?
boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right
disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean
Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.
You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?
Me: Bed Bath & Beyond
Wife: You used a coupon right?
Me: Coupon?
*wife faints*
Helpful phrases:
“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”
May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is
When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD