[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
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The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
“Dad, you were at 63%, so I unplugged your phone to plug mine in”
*Drives ex-son to homeless shelter
#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me
Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is
I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
The worst is when you’re on a cruise ship that turns into an Autobot to fight a sea monster and you had a decent game of shuffleboard going
A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.
In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space
and they’ll shift gears to go faster.
in space.
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
GOD: u wanna go back to earth?
JESUS: why
GOD: to absolve man of sin
JESUS: ehh
GOD: you’d get two birthdays
JESUS: let me get my coat
“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
A dating app for angry people- Grumble