My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.
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[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]
Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?
I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”
There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler
I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job
do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
[in hell]
me: *sad* why am I here?
satan: you’re a murderer
me: what? no I’m not
satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl
me: *blushing* aww
Brother: *calls* Can you pick me up at the airport tomorrow?
Me: Sure. Can’t wait to see you.
Him: I land at 5 AM.
Me: I have no brother.
*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*Me: Let’s do this!
Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.
Me: Bring it, loser!
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
THERAPIST: I want us to share our emotions with the whole group today. Who wants to go first?
ME: Me!
T: Thank you!
ME: [leaving] No problem
he was correct
Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]
Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.
Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…
[deserted Island]
other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies
me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously
“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”