[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash
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I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”
Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
[Batman picking a catchphrase]
Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander
Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity
Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime
Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”
Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing
IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy
Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.
when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: holy shit why won’t he burn
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
Doctor: Have often do you have sex?
Me: Once or twice
Doctor: A week?
Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic
Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?
noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.
Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.
#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes
[wedding]
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret