[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
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People always ask me why there’s a chair in my shower. Who the hell eats chili standing up?
LOOOOOOL
I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS
Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber
My mom, watching a scary movie: Be careful if you’re going in the backyard, I thought I saw someone walking around out there.
Me: What. Like a cat?
My mom: No, it was definitely bigger than that.
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.
This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.
“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.
I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”
*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes
The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.
Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem
When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock
guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed