I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.
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The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
me: *blows a raspberry*
raspberry: ah yea baby
I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard
Yes. these are prescription Oreos.
Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.
Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.
Me: No, not like that.
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
Cop: Can you explain how you got here?
Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born
Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?
Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce
Waitress: mayo?
Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce
“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
her: who’s ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn’t count
me: i assure u he does, Jen
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
cyclists
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty
if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.