GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: A penguin.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a swimmin’ bird.
ANGEL: Dude… are you ok?
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Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.
Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.
Then I know.
*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.
Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.
I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.
We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
Registering the death of my Uncle Arthur at the coroners office and when asked for the deceased’s name, I replied “A. Smith” The coroner then asked ” A for?”, to which I replied “Apple”. I”ve never lived it down and my wife constantly brings it up over 30 years later.
The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
There are usually two types of merchants.
Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
After bragging I could eat hot curry to be cool, the football Christmas dinner was at an Indian restaurant. I ordered the vindaloo, after a few minutes I was in tears. I grabbed my phone and pretended to take a call, standing up I said, “My dogs died” and walked out.
*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”
taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.
*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL