Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.
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I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.
DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!
ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!
FAMINE: What did you expect?
ME: lol
WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!
ME: you want a sugar cube?
FAMINE:… Yes
Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in
I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.
Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap
4-year-old: I am
Me: Then why are you standing here?
4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: This is a dream
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
*Knocks down spider web*
Spider: Rude
*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*
Spider: Unbelievable
they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low
Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.
Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?
Her: No!
Me: Awww, cmon!
Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S01E01: so i guess these guys do business or something?
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S02E10: roman’s bid to secure private funding would have won the proxy war but ultimately the capital wasn’t reliable enough to prevent the firm from h
6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗