God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
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Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog
God please let it be a hotdog
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I’m an alcoholic
Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.
KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when[several hours later]
KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when
My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.
[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself
I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon
According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.
Age 17: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my parent’s house
Age 37: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my toddler’s room
bias laundering edition
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
Friend: Just be generous and sophisticated
Me: Got it[Later]
Date: I’ll have a glass of wine
Me: No *winks at date and then looks at waiter* bring the whole box
Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.
I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.
“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”
List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band
ME: Ok
[later at gym]
ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*
I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.
After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger