God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead
[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good
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Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem
When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful
Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all
*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR
Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want
i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…
Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.
Trumpy Cat
My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
My son is happy I’m staying off twitter until he goes to bed so as to spend more time with him.
He is not happy with his new 6pm bedtime
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.
[Speed date]
Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT
My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.
In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”