God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
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Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.
Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.
my date last night:
– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his exdating is fun, you guys
#katesdates
Go girl power!
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
🤣🤣🤣🤣
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
this is me
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.
Store clerk: May I help you?
Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”
I’m suddenly having trust issues.