God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
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ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong
SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you
ME: *under breath* damn, son
– Then use a paw of oregano and a tooth of salt
-Are you kidding me? How much is a ”paw”?
-You say ”a pinch ” all the time and nobody asks. Figure it out. You’re the 5 star chef, n’est pas?
My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE
me, turning into a werewolf: get out of here. it’s not safe
girl: [holding a tennis ball behind back] i think i’ll b fine lmao
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
Best bird cliques…
A “murder” of crows
A “flamboyance” of flamingos
A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window
9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.
Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.
9 yo: MOM
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.
you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:
“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:
“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.
son: school just got canceled
me: oh shit what did it do
my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!
Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…