Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
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Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
Food puns are my love language
…what, they make me corny.
JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume
I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.
5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.
7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.
Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog
YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”
WHAT DO WE WANT?
AN END TO AUTO-CORRECT ERRORS!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
COW!!!!
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong
this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens
If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.
Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.
Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman
My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*
Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.
karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello
[me as a mechanic]
*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.
My 13yo likes to remind me that he’s taller than me, and I like to remind him I’m the one who signs his permission slips to do the fun things at school.
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now