God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
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Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!
Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*
[firing squad]
Any last requests?“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”
Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE
*gunshots*
Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”
April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
Me: Cute baby, when was she born?
New mother: Yesterday.
Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
bad
worse
worst
worchester
Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.
My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
My 4yo informed me that she was “less than not half way done” getting ready for school. My guess is she’ll be ready before I figure out what that means.
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
do u think theres a butter planet?
Someone told me that Jaws isn’t even a real shark and that he doesn’t live in lakes. That’s the craziest talk I’ve ever heard.
ME: I have very bad gas
BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what
ME: sorry I have very bad petrol
My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.
Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 😐😐😐
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam