God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference
You Might Also Like
Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!
GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.
I love the National Park Service.
A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
DATE: Let’s go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
DATE: …
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don’t have a place. I’m homeless.
Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*
Oh hi lol
*world is ending*
Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO
Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.
“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”
{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.
What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.
This headline is a thing of beauty
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.