God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
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Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.
I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.
Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.
The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.
I’m well into my third quarantine then.
Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”
Exactly
“What?”
It’s inflation
“I hate you”
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”
accurate
If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage
After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.
My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”
*Goes to Vegas casino
*Steps out of limo
Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?
Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.