@NicCageMatch: God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
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@BackrowSeats: Burger King's slogan "Have It Your Way" was shortened from "Are You Sure You Wanna Eat This? Ok. Have It Your Way".
@YikYakApp: "Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I'm not used to consuming wine in pill form." — University of Chicago
@dubstep4dads: [In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD
@LoveNLunchmeat: This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I'm just really bad at math.