God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
You Might Also Like
cushion on the right slightly discoloured
[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI
TI’s daughter: a what
doctor: UTI
TI: no I’m TI
Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He picked a fight with a raccoon”
HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN
Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?
I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.
*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.
Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…
Me: exactly
Teller:…
Me: Can I still have a lollipop?
Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan
Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
#StillHurts
It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”
[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress
(Me playing guitar)
3: Daddy what’s this song called?
Me: Going Nowhere.
3: I know that but what’s this song called?
Burned by a 3yo.
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my “feel no pain” tattoo] ok so you’re gonna laugh
me: you’re brothers?
mario: that’s-a right!
me: which explains why you dress the same
luigi: that’s-a right!
me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?
mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do
My Obgyn suggested I cut carbs to maintain a healthier pregnancy weight.
Frankly, I’d rather cut the Obgyn.
Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.Conclusion: you are a statue
that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?
estão todos miauvindo?
“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”