God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
You Might Also Like
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.
If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them
-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…
Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: No
ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.
My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that
one mistake some cult leaders make is predicting armageddon will happen on a specific day. embarrassing to explain afterwards. if i ever lead a group of devoted followers i’d keep shit like that pretty vague
Friend: hey man can you recommend a good book to prepare us for having a toddler?
Me: yeah try the Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”
*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*
Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*
I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…
Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.
Single Men say: Yes
Married Men: Try to hide
“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.
I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color
Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?
Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys…
Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.