god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference
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Caesar [dying]: remember me
Soldier: we will name a salad after you
Caesar: ok
Soldier: with stale chunks of bread
Caesar: actually nev-
Soldier: and tiny pieces of fish and cheese
Caesar: wow ok so no one liked me
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.
technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water
Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]
*2 Knights on a Quest*
Elgon: Let’s rest here. Does the map say where we are?
Gawain: The map says “Here be Dragons”.
Elgon: Ha! They always say that!
Gawain: *getting off horse* Why do they say that?
Elgon:
Gawain: Elgon?
Dragon: Oh, was that your friend? *burp*
If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.
You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo
If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.
[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
I got a message on Facebook that said, “Your a lawyer, right?”
Me, “*You’re.”
May have lost a new client but they learned something today.
SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
My son just hugged me.
Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
I’m putting together a team
LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore
CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*
50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo
Turns out Leaf Blower Guy, my neighbour of 10 years, knows my actual name so I guess I’m left with no choice but to do the adult thing here and find out his by stealing his mail.
“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.
me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!
My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this
I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole