God has left this place
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[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird
A corn maze, because the only thing worse than trying to get kids to eat vegetables is trying to get them to walk endlessly through vegetables.
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
oh my god
First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.
My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
Whenever there’s an immortal in any story they always know a dozen languages and have a ton of varied skills. Just once I want to see a character just squander it the way I would. 900 years old, barely speaks 1 language, binge watching The Office for the 7000th time
The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!