God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?
Noah: yes
God: including the dinosaurs?
CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR
Noah: ….ya
You Might Also Like
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
Word of advice.
If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.
Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.
Cop: I can only hold you for another hour
Criminal: Then you’re just gonna let me go?!
Cop: You know I gotta work, babe
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
Don’t you hate it when some idiots won’t even go 5 mph over the speed limit in the left lane but then when you try to pass them all of a sudden they want to go 127 mph into the sun
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
Have you seen that ad where a Google Pixel owner talks about the phone automatically contacting emergency services after his car accident?
You know somebody is going to hit a telephone pole deliberately just to test that out.
Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire
[shakes fist at other fist]
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…
Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks