GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this
You Might Also Like
NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
[on date]
Me, thinking: Compliment her, but don’t be weird.
Me, out loud: You have healthy-looking gums.
Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.
12yo: Why?
Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.
Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud
I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby
Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.
[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75Who decided to play Jumanji?
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
Relationships are easy as pie!
*burns pie*
Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
[lying in front of the fire]
11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?
9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*
Me: *screams*
9: Asleep
Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve
Eve: it’s tomorrow
Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve
IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD