GOD: How many animals left to make?
ANGEL: 2
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
A: 1
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
Penguin: WHAT
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Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD
Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
CHEF: Someone needs to prepare the chicken
ME: I’ll do it *sits chicken down* look dude, this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on
[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.
Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…
Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!
DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia
friend: how long have you had that bourbon?
me: 20 years.
friend: why don’t you just drink it?
me: drinking age is 21 dude.
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.
I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
Husband: so are we self isolating now?
Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!