I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
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[cash4gold]
Man in a coat: [holding gold bar] “How much is this worth?”“It’s 25 carats…”
[8 rabbits rustle excitedly beneath trench-coat]
Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …
there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples
[Bar]
Her: I hate drinking alone.
Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.
People buying plungers never look happy.
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”
*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
Blew out my flip flop…
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
Me: How dilated is she?
Nurse: 4 centimeters.
Me: This is America.
Nurse: 0.000198838 furlongs.
First time seeing these brilliant print ads for Scrabble today. Published in Ukraine in August 2014 by ad agency Twiga.
Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!
All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.
Pet Cemetery 3:
People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.
Somebody buries dinosaur bones.
Jurassic Park ensues.
[inventing that little handle inside the car]
engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?
WIFE: I’m leaving you
CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*
ME: Is it because of-
WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl
Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
Dear diary,
Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.
while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application
Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.
tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win