God: I call it a Caterpillar
Angel: What is it?
God: A worm with feet
Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?
God: Then it grows wings
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[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?
me after drinking all the wine:
Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…
Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.
Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?
[napping on couch]
Son: wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok i’ll be the cops.
Son: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Son: why not?
Me: i’m waiting on a judge to sign your warrant.
Son: oh.
Me: [eyes still closed] I’ll let you know when it comes in.
My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
“Have you had a shower today?”
Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed
[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]
[halloween]
ME: nice costume. casanova?
HIM: guy fawkes
ME: {high-fiving} hell yeah he does
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
[May 2020]
Top 5 of the wealthiest ppl in the World thanks to Covid- 19.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1. Divorce lawyers
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
Things I constantly worry about pressing:
1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spotYes, this list is in order.
Denise please return my vape pen
[Bank]
COP: [through megaphone] LET ONE OF THE HOSTAGES GO
ROBBER: Okay, who wants out?
ME: [spinning on bosses chair] I’m comfortable.
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.
Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.