There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
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8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?
If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.
You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.
[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
time to go viral by writing an obvious thing in all caps a bunch of times.
repeat after me.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
*watching tv
Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”
Wife: (turns off wedding video)
Cop: SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!
Me: *puts hands out*
Cop: wait… are you the hand model for Rolex?
Me: *blushing* guilty
Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone’s gonna have to serve some TIME
Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.
[god, creating ducks]
Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know
Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy
Her: She’s too young for you.
Me: Based on what?
Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..
Me:
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE