God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
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Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
ME AT 19: I stayed in a youth hostel with 20 strangers
ME IN MY 40s: This hotel bed is a bit smaller than at home and my wife’s leg touched me in the middle of night and now my vacation is ruined
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.
Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.
The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of “On My Own.” I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.
My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
Jeweler- Lord of the rings
Fast internet- Lord of the pings
Vocalist- Lord of the sings
Trivia winner- Lord of the dings
Medical supply- Lord of the slings
Orchestra- Lord of the strings
Sports bar- Lord of the wings
Beekeeper- Lord of the stings
Tinder- Lord of the flings
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon
me: look up at the sky???
Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.
I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things
sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic
True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia
what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever
The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10
Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No
ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no
Have a lovely day 😊