If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
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You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long
How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep
Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam
I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]
WIFE: you could just-
ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn
New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.
reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”
What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃
(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
*gazing up at stars*
Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?
Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.
A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
The ladies call me Space Mountain…
…cause I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.
Wooooohhhhooooo!!!
Why do they put Valentines Day candy in a box shaped like a heart? It’s kind of like eating ice cream out of a lung…
WTF