GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”
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*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
I think I’m finally ready. I’m gonna take the plunge even though at first it might be confusing and a little scary. I can do this!
Deep breath.
Here I go.*changes phone default notification sound*
Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.
The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall
LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
[a magic show]
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this…
[1 hour later]
…him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?
If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.
I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”
been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.
wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!
wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home
I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
[fishing]
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
[at funeral]
“my phone is vibrating”
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
“no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED
If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.