god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
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What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.
Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
Talking to funeral home director:
Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”
MIL: “Let go of me!”
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.
when the buffet is more honest than your date
Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.
I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.
Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?
It’s Ash Wednesday so today I had fish for dinner.
OK, I had Goldfish for dinner. That still counts, right?
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.
Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.
BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than you’d expect. It doesn’t fit my head when I have hair so I’m getting the most out of it while I can.
waiter: our special is only $7.99
mechanic: i’m a mechanic.
[seconds later]
waiter: my guys in the back’re telling me the special’s actually going to be about $235 and some change.
mechanic: that’s too much.
waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they’ve already started on it.
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
[as i lay on the couch doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day]
me: *looks at my cat doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day* oh to be a cat. eating and sleeping all day