GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations
MOSES: no way
GOD: yahweh
MOSES: ok so what is it
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ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”
When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
This tree does a lot of weird exercises
With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
Angel: So the sins are deadly.
God: Yep!
Angel: So like, do you die if you commit one?
God: Well, no.
Angel: So why call them deadly?
God: It’s like *waving arms* spooky, you know?
“You drive, I’m tired.”
professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
next level snooze
Godzilla was the first house flipper.
6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?
Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…
6: you’ll never find me!
Me: *goes back to sleep*
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.
No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
SUPER-VILLAIN: Join me! Together we would be unstoppable!
HERO: Ok
SUPER-VILLAIN: What’s that now?
HERO: I’m in
SUPER-VILLAIN: Oh. I wasn’t really prepared for you to accept.
HERO: My therapist said to try new things
SUPER-VILLAIN: This is awkward
HERO: I’ll get my stuff
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.