God: i’m sorry the answers no.
Jellyfish: please?
God: it’s just too ridiculous.
Jellyfish: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but-
Jellyfish: pretty please? : (
God: I can’t just make a PeanutButterfish
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Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*
Card: “My over-preparedness.”
Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?
Husband: These would be your Sister Wives
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.
FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?
ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.
*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.
god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation
lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly
god: lol ok
*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it
I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.
Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.
I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.