[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs
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[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
WIFE: Just try to be normal tonight.
[later at the dinner party]
ME: Do you think the ghosts of muppets are doomed to roam the earth until reunited with the hand that animated them in life?
I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.
Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.
*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*
(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”
Sir. 😑
One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….
The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.
I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.
Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do
BOSS: you’re an hour late
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?
I think this should do it.
My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed
BaD BoY!!