@LuckoftheDraw86: God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn't be such a bad thing.
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@grammar_c**t: "I love you" can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to "I got this round."
@david8hughes: [end of 1st round of my UFC debut] Corner man: how you feeling? Me [out of breath]: horny Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him
@WildeThingy: Boss "I'm looking for a volunteer." Me *chops off own legs "I can't!" Co-worker "I'm busy, sorry." Me "damn, that's a better excuse."
@OhNoSheTwitnt: Historical fact: The term "bro" originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.